a very long engagement.. err post i mean

It's 2.30 in the morning. My eyes are a swollen and stingy, my lower back is killing me and I'm so exhausted that I could've easily fallen off to sleep as I came home this evening. But I didn't. I wanted to fall right off to sleep but I didn't.

I attended my friend Maan's wedding this afternoon. I wore this purple dress which had a vintage vibe to it and one of my mom's torturous strappy sandals. Once again, me in an attire that I barely can relate my personal style with, but surprisingly, which everyone loves. It was time for me to act all girly and delicate once more. But this time, it was all worth it: the agonizing shoes and the awkward feeling of me being in a very feminine and formal outfit was worth it.

Weddings aren't really my thing. I don't love attending them but I don't hate them either. I don't know what my stand is one matrimony. Maybe I'm still not convinced with the whole 'marriage' thing. I know I should be because there are a lot of living proofs and my parents are among the millions of married couples out there, but sometimes, I can't help but wonder what is there in a married life that you can't get with that of a single life? Really. I just have to wonder.. Anyways, enough about my POV's on marriage and on to my friend's special day.

She was waiting inside the bridal car when we got back to the church from a nearby store. I was excited and at the same time hesitant to see her before she walks down the aisle. I didn't want to spoil the moment wherein I would gasp as she appears from the doors of the church. But my excitement got to me so I decided and went to see her. And as I opened the door to the car, I saw her. She looked so beautiful and so fragile. I almost let a tear out when I saw her. I felt this very warm feeling inside as gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her how beautiful she was. She didn't want me to act all mushy because she didn't want to cry just yet. We talked and we took some pictures and after a few moments, my friends and I went in to get ready.

There were not that many people at the wedding. It was just a small but nonetheless extravagant event wherein only close family, relatives and friends were present. I actually expected some highschool friends of hers, but the only friends who were invited were us-her highshool barkada.

As the wedding started, I got goosebumps all over my arms. I couldn't believe that my friend is actually getting married right then and there. My anticipation grew when the organizers closed the church doors after everyone from the sponsors to the flower girls were all done walking down the aisle. This was it. Any minute now she was going to be walking through the church doors and people would just gasp and stare in amazement. As the doors slowly opened by two men in black suits, there she was. She was a breath of fresh air, a sight for sore eyes. She was an angel and she was the most beautiful thing in the world that moment. I got more goosebumps as she began walking down the red carpeted aisle and I started to get all emotional as well. It was so peaceful and intimate. The sun was shining down on her through the church windows making her appear as if she had this glowy aura around her. Then, she stopped to meet her parents halfway through the alter and kissed them both on the cheeks. It was so touching and the gesture that she made was so sincere. The moment couldn't be more perfect.

As the event went on, I was there sitting all alone on one of the benches of the church taking more photos of the celebration. I instantly had this thought of being a wedding photographer someday and thought how nice it would be to be the one taking the most precious and memorable moments of a couple's start to a new life ahead. I've always dreamed of becoming a professional photographer and weddings were always one of the areas I would want to venture in and showcase my skills as a sharp shooter. Maybe if I strive harder, this dream might materialize and turn into reality.

Like any other wedding celebrations, the usual things occured: the binding of the couple with the rope, the lighting of the candles, the exchange of rings, that official kiss and signing of the papers. All of these were present during the event, even the picture taking at the end which was there and surprisingly fast. It was a nice wedding, one which I will never forget and will always remember.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to stay long up til the reception. Right after the wedding, I immediately left to have another final job interview at the call center. The night before the wedding, Miss Gail called me on my phone and asked if I could come by the company to have another final interview. I had a tough time trying to figure out what to do and actually left her hanging on the other line unintentionally. Eventually I said yes to the offer.

I was there before the said time and waited til 7.30 before I was finally called to be interviewed again. It was like de ja vu as I entered that large area filled with cubicles containing PC sets. The only difference this time was I felt more relaxed and confident and I was wearing a darn dress for an interview. I didn't have any time to change so I just went there as is.

The interviewer was an American this time. She was very sweet and funny and I felt very at ease with her compared with the Arabian guy. It was soo cold in her office because she was trying to maintain the freshness of the holiday hams she was going to give away to probably her co-workers that night. It was a very short and quick interview. The only thing she asked was my educational background and if I was familiar with the computer. Then she told me that she was already hiring me and that she will inform me about our training next year through a text or a call. After shaking her hands once more before I left her office, I couldn't help but sigh in relief and smile. It felt good knowing that I was accepted and that I decided to go for it again.

After that, I headed back to the city only to find out that the reception of the wedding was over. So much for my 'friends' informing me about it. It really pisses me off when people are so selfish and when the only thing they can think of are themselves. Where the hell is your social responsibilty man? I paid for his gas and he couldn't even text me or answer my calls even though he told me his phone was in silent mode and that he was driving at the time. Sometimes I really don't know if he's just full of excuses. It's getting too old and draggy and it's not a very friend-like attitude. Anwyay, I let it go because I am not the one who is always leaving their friends hanging and so full of himself. I will not allow myself to be used and be treated that way again. I swear if he pisses me off again he's gonna have it.

Because I wasn't able to make it to the reception that night, I went and bought me a cheeseburger meal at McDo with my remaining money. Then, I went to Index to hangout with my other friends. Surprisingly, no matter how wild and crazy acting this group of friends are, they actually make me feel like I've known them longer and that we share this special relationship/bond that my other close friends and I don't have. Maybe it's the way they treat me as a friend and not just SOME KIND OF A FRIEND.

I wanted to drink last night but they ran out of beer when I got there and even if I wanted to buy even just one bottle of SML to ease my moodiness, I couldn't. We all left 30minutes after I arrived and I went to Arence's to chill for a bit.

I was glad that I had the extra time to see him last night. We were supposed to attend the reception but it was too late. We hungout outside their house sitting on the new beach chairs he bought the other day. It was nice. We sat there and talked and the only thing missing was the sight of the stars in the sky blocked by the trees.

I thought being there would calm my nerves, but apparently it didn't. Maybe for a while I felt relaxed and happy but as soon as he handed me his old Sonny Ericson phone which was resurrected the other day, I had this feeling of uneasiness overcome me. That phone had become the start of arguments and other ugliness in the past and it was right there infront of me as if it was taunting me. As I searched for old photos of us, I couldn't help but take a peek inside the messaging part of the unit. I wanted to read old text messages coming from me and maybe, just maybe, get a hint of the nostalgia I was looking for. But I didn't. That phone was a box full of bad memories. And I just had to wonder why he erased his sent items right after I gave it to him. It made me think if he was hiding something from me. Cuz if he weren't, he would've just left it as it was. I know it's his phone and he could do anything with it, but his actions left me in skepticism. He could've erased it after I left, but he did it when he knew I had control over his phone. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this, but it simply is unavoidable and it's breaking me.

It's just a few days before Christmas and I still don't feel it. The yuletide season hasn't sunk in yet and I'm afraid that when Christams day arrives, I would percieve the holiday as another ordinary day of the year. I feel like I'm being jinxed every Christmas because in the past 4 years, my Christmases have been rather emotional and I don't mean it in a good way. Something bad always occurs and it's not what I want this year nor in any more years to come. I want so much things this Christmas but now, all I want is for me be okay. To believe in myself and to be able to trust the people that I love and who love me back. Oh my god here I go again with my emotional crap. I just wish that by the end of the year, everything will be fine to when I used to feel genuinely happy.